Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
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[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
tis the season
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.