It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
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Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?