Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
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ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
😂😂