Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
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What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
step 6: release the wall snake
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
I’ve been learning to cook.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I