Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
You Might Also Like
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.