They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
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WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
absolutely not
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy