My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
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Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
guys I’m going home
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
#JohnTravolta
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!