Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
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Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu