Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
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DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
He wanted to make sure😂
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.