[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
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you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec