“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
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I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
that colleague who touches your screen
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.