Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
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I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die