every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
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Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.