The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
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In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
thanksgiving in nutshell
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Google assistant rules
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody