you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
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Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Breaking news:
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT