Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
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This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*