I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
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Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent