My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
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Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
6: are snakes just neck?
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.