*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
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[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Beards are a privilege, not a right
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.