My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
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[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?