I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
You Might Also Like
My dad teaching me to drive
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”