When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
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Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.