– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
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Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
*lint rolls you awake*
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”