*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
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[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again