One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
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*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.