Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
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Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.