Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
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Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Every house has this drawer
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u