I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
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I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
What the hell happened in there??
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…