When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
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Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
The honesty is refreshing
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.