Jesus steals the winter solstice
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Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing