Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
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Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you