I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
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Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
#damn
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together