My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
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everyone’s a critic
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no