The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
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[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore