Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
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I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
it is time once again
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker