me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
You Might Also Like
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys