FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
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I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*