I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
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Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.