Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
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When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
prepare for carbonated trouble
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.