“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
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If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY