[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
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Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank