[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
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My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying