NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
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yall want some gasoline milk
how much does a mortician urn in a year
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
the chicken was already gone when I got here
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen