Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
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Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper