Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
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If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
12653.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
this could fix me
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?