Thursday Thought.
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I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps