I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
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genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
let’s discuss
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool