You Might Also Like
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Somebody’s lying.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you