Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
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I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
I’m not proud
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Risking my life for fun.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
sigh
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.