I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
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Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale